Elephant's milk
A: Did you hear about the baby that was fed only elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant'
Dog experiments
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut off one of the dog's legs, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg. Then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost its hearing after having three legs cut off.
Facebook
Dad writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. PLEASE! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR DINNER!!!
The Taxi Driver
During a ride in a taxicab, the passenger touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
Upon feeling the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally, the driver got control and pulled over to the side of road.
Still shaking, he turned to his passenger and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".
The Mental Asylum
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how they decided whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. So do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
Country Politics
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local police came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The police asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those crooked politicians lie."
Friends
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. So the wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
Because of the Sign
The teacher asked: Why are you late for school?
Johnny: Because of the Sign.
Teacher: What Sign?
Johnny: The sign that says "School ahead. Go slow"
The turtles
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic.
When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. So the youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back.
A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, "oh, come on, let's just eat the sandwiches."
Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
I love you
A man was out for a drink with his wife one night and he said, "I love you".
The wife asked, "Is that you or the beer talking"
He said, "It's me........ I'm talking to the beer"!
You should learn to be more polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter brought out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
The nature of things…
Life on a bald guy's head…
"They say that if you cross this desert, you'll find another world just like ours!".
Lawyer on Vacation
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. And lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Physical training job
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.
"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."
Clever Response
A young girl at school is being told of by the teacher. "You never get anything right," complains the teacher. "What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school?"
And the child replies, "I want to work on TV as a weather girl."
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