The best funny stories part 1

The best funny stories part 1

Reading funny stories is a great way to improve your vocabulary.









1. In or Out- best funny stories

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.  "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"  "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.  "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"  "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."  2.Lawyer vs accountant- best funny stories Last October while in Philadelphia on a business trip, I took one afternoon off to see the Liberty Bell and other historic sites downtown. Two young families were also in line to the see the sites and I overheard an interesting conversation between two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school. "My name is Billy. What's yours?", asked the first boy. "Tommy", replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?", asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind." replied Tommy. 3.Stay over one night- best funny stories A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hindu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow. Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork. Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!  4.New driver's license - best funny stories Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."  5.The very bad accident- best funny stories Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves." "Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey. "Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."  6.What day is today? - best funny stories Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office. At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life! " 7. Last Request- best funny stories Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. "What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.  "Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "Well what is it, Mary?"  "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."  "Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"  "Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.  "What did he ask, Mary?"  Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"  8.Temperature- best funny stories A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."  9.Advice for Women - best funny stories Advice From Men To Women...  Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'... If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.... Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.... Please don't drive when you're not driving.... Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.... When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.  10.What A Gesture- best funny stories Two men were playing a round of golf one day. Just as they were about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession went by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Clyde, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by.He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off. "Gee Clyde, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend said. Clyde replied "Well, I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least that I could do."  11.Best Kept Secret - best funny stories At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.' 'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.' 'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted. 'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'  12.Betting on the News - best funny stories Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"  13.Discussing the tax rates- best funny stories A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too." 14.Just an E-mail Note- best funny stories An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.  15.Breakfast Order - best funny stories A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife;butter straight from the deep freeze, so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm." "That's a complicated order," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!"   Learning english through funny stories & improve your english with english funny stories Thanks for reading these funny stories