The best funny stories part 5

The best funny stories part 5

Reading funny stories is a great way to improve your vocabulary. 1. Clever student_Best funny stories  A teacher is giving a science class and talking about the Earth and its movements around the Sun. "What's the axis of the Earth?" the teacher asks. And a student answers. "It's an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolved." Very good," the teacher replies. "Now, could you hang your clothes on that line?" "Yes, sir," the student replies.  Surprised, the teacher responds, "Oh, really? What sort of clothes, if you don't mind me asking?" And the student replies, "Imaginary clothes." 2.Clever Driver_Best funny stories A police officer stops a man for speeding. "Good evening, sir. Would you mind showing me your driving licence?" And the man replies angrily, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my licence, and now you expect me to show it to you." 3. Annoying Dog_Best funny stories  A guest is eating in a hotel restaurant, all of a sudden, he notices a dog. It's sitting close by and staring at him. The man tries to ignore it but can't. Eventually, the man calls over the waiter, "Excuse me, but why is that dog staring at me?" And the waiter replies, "It's because you're eating from his favourite plate." 4. Conjugation_Best funny stories  Another day in class, the teacher tells a student to conjugate the verb "to walk" in Present Simple tense. And the student starts saying, "I walk. You walk..." Suddenly, the teacher interrupts him and says, "Quicker! Please," So the student says, "I run. You run. He runs. She runs..." 5. Honesty_Best funny stories  Teacher: What excuse have you got for being late to school?  John: (breathlessly) Well, I ran so fast that I didn't have time to think of one.  6. Fishing_Best funny stories  Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing at 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap ?.." 7. Two Martians_Best funny stories  Two martians living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. One martian says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?" The other martian turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?" 8. Little Johnny Boy_Best funny stories  A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying. “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”. After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself”  9. Tired_Best funny stories  This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.  He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, woman lying next to you?"  He replied. "Don't worry honey, I'd stay faithful!"  10. Why Worry?_Best funny stories  In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die. If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell. If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry. 11. Child Custody_Best funny stories  A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied... "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"  12. Eating Grass_Best funny stories  One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men "Why are you eating the grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. The man answered "But sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children?" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall." 13. Supermarket Training_Best funny stories  A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how." 14. The Great Writer_Best funny stories  There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages. 15.Late Tom_Best funny stories  Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"  Learning english through funny stories & improve your english with english funny stories Thanks for reading these funny stories