The best funny stories part 6

The best funny stories part 6

Jesus and the Robber One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rummagged through the desk. He replied, "Who said that?!" Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!" The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius." The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!" The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!" Strength vs. Intelligence A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." Too much speeding A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain" "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say" "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." Working in the garden A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!" Does your dog bite? A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog." General equations & statistics A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 5 Rules 1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name. 3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk! Free Haircut A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he place the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's fogotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!" Wife wanted A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Boss wants too much For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?" There was a plane crash in Poland   A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. Hillary in Heaven Hillary died and went to heaven.  As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.  She asked, "What are all those clocks?"  Saint Peter answered,  "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."  "Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"  "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."  "Whose clock is that?"  "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life." "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.  "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as his ceiling fan."  Pregnancy Once a man’s wife gets pregnant and is rushed to a hospital. Unfortunately, the man was out of the city , when he got a call from the doctor to inform him about his wife. He hung up but unfortunately he didn't know how to redial, so he tried to remember the number and redialed, the number was incorrect and went to an umpire's phone (a man who keeps the score of a cricket match like a referee). The man asked the umpire not knowing who was on the other line and said: “What is the condition?” The umpire replied, “4 are out!”, “8 are going to be out soon.” Gray Hairs One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Mom, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?" A Good Teacher One day, a teacher was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, "Billy, what is this animal?". Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know.". The teacher was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Billy, "Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?" Little Billy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a pig?"!