The Best Funny Stories part 8

The Best Funny Stories part 8

16.Shrewish Ladies - I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.  - So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”  - One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales dumbo!”  - So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”  - That’s about as far as I remember. 17. I don't know - Little Johnny asks his father:  - "Where does the wind come from?"  - "I don't know."  - "Why do dogs bark?"  - "I don't know."  - "Why is the earth round?"  - "I don't know."  - "Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"  - "No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."  18. An idiot man Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses.  He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over.  The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911.  He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"  The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead."

There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?" 

19. Misunderstood

A wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.  But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!  Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.  Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink.  As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.  Oh welcome home darling, he says, my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said  hello 20. A Talking Frog An older gentleman was playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball sliced and landed in a shallow pond.  As he was attempting to retrieve the ball he discovered a frog who, to his great surprise, started to speak!  "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a week!"  He picked up the frog and placed it in his pocket. As he continued to play golf, the frog repeated its message.  "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole month!"  The man continued to play his golf game and once again the frog spoke out.  "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole year!"

Finally, the old man turned to the frog and exclaimed, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog!"

21. A Big Decision

A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, “Daddy, I'd like to get married.”  His father replied hesitantly, "Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?" “Yes,” answered the boy. “I want to marry Grandma.”  “Now, wait a minute,” said his father. “You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?”

“Why not?” the boy asked. “You married mine.” 

22. Name the capital

A blond was complaining to his friend about being constantly called a dumb blond. His friend tells him “Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?”  The blond thinks this is a great idea, and locks himself up for two weeks studying. The next party he goes to, some guys are making dumb blond comments to him.  He gets all indignant and claims, “I’m not a dumb blond. In fact, I can name all the state capitals!”  They don’t believe him, so he dares them to test him. One of them says, “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?” The blond smiles widely and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!”

23. An art thief

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.  However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.  When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

“I have no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.” (I have no money for the gas to make the van go) 

24. Improve your memory

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”  “Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me”.  “That’s great! What about the name of the clinic?”  Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”  “You mean a rose?”  “Yes, that’s it!”  Then he turned to his wife and asked: “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”  25. Strange thing A French boy said to his friend:  - My younger sister is ten years old but she can speak English rather well.  His friend smiled and replied:  - It isn't a strange thing. When my family travelled to London, I met a little girl who was about five years old and she spoke English like the wind.  26. Soap The teacher asked: "John, what are four basic elements in nature?"  John answered: " Fire, air, soil and.. and.."  "And what?" the teacher asked. "Try to remember!"  "And...And...And..."John was embarrassed.  The teacher knew that his pupil couldn't remember that the fourth element was water. Therefore, he gave a hint:" What do you clean your hands with?" John excitedly screamed," Soap!"

27. Doorbell

Everyone loved Priest John. He was a happy jolly fellow always willing to help or lend a hand.  One time John was walking down the street humming a tune when he saw a little boy trying to reach the doorbell of a nearby house.  “Hey there sonny” said John “let me help you out”, and with that John reached out and pressed the bell.  “Anything else I can do for you,” asked John with a smile.  “Yes” said the boy. “Run! We’ve only got a few seconds before they come!”  28. High fever My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse.  After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.  After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said:  “So what would you say is bothering you the most?”  Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered:  “Billy, he always breaks my toys!” 29. Taking a train Lady: Is this my train?  Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.  Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I meant to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi. Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.  30. Health problem A man ran into a doctor’s office and said “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body hurts!”  The doctor replied, “Show me.”  So the man poked his ankle and screamed in pain. Then he poked his knee and yelled OW. He poked his forehead and screamed again.  He was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.”  He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”