The best funny stories part 9

The best funny stories part 9

Beggar  Why do you beg?”  “The truth is I beg to get money for booze- drink.”  “Why do you drink?”  “To give me the courage to beg” . Outsmarted by a Woman When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.  So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.  "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."  Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later she became his stepmother. Lawyers A man committed murder. To fight his case he was advised to hire a good lawyer. He checked one who asked for $100. He thought this one is not good enough. The next one wanted $500. The next $5000. He found a real expensive one who wanted $10,000. So the accused hired him. Ultimately he lost the case and was sentenced to death. As he was being taken to the death chamber, the first lawyer met him on the way and said " I would have got you this result for $100 only"! Three Sons Three proud mothers are discussing their eight-year-old sons.  "I just know my little Johnnie is going to be an engineer," said the first.  "Whenever I buy him a toy, he tears it apart to see what makes it work" The second said, "I'm so proud of Freddie, I just know he's going to be a fine lawyer. He argues with the other kids all the time""No question about it", said the third mother, "little Harold is destined to be a doctor, Why, he never comes when I call him!" How Many thugs Live In This Street ? A guy asked his friend: "How many thugs do you suppose live in this street besides yourself ?"  "Beside myself !" replied the other. "Do you mean to insult me ?"  "Well, then ?" said the first, "how many do you reckon including yourself ?" She's My Wife One of the guests turned to a man by his side to criticize the singing of the woman who was trying to entertain them.  "What a terrible voice! Do you know who she is ?"  "Yes", was the answer. "She's my wife" "Oh, I beg your pardon. Of course, it isn't her voice, really. It's the stuff she has to sing. I wonder who wrote that awful song ?"  "I did", was the answer. Our Faults "Once a friend of mine and I agreed that it would be helpful for each of us to tell the other all our faults" "How did it work ?" "We haven't spoken for five years". The hen and the dog A: "Sorry, old man, that my hen got loose and scratched up your garden" B: "That's all right, my dog ate your hen" A: "Fine! I just ran over your dog and killed him". Frying Eggs A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.  "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"  The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"  The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!" You looked a lot like my wife A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." Passing an exam Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will keep them for five more years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!" His military etiquette Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR! A Skydiving lesson During class, a skydiving instructor takes time to answer questions from the first-time students. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" The jump master looked at him and answered in a straightforward voice, "The rest of your life." Cats I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. Flies A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband walking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," He responded. "Oh, killing any?" She asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone." Dreams One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you’ll find out tonight…," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."